


Conner's Joy Ride

by shittystorywriter



Category: South Park
Genre: Hand flirting, Talking hands
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-02
Updated: 2018-01-02
Packaged: 2019-02-27 05:27:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13241397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shittystorywriter/pseuds/shittystorywriter
Summary: The dangers of driving under the influence of a rebellious hand puppet.





	Conner's Joy Ride

Cartman screeched through the city streets in his mother's car, manically zooming in and out of traffic. He narrowly avoided plowing into other cars on the road, though he came awfully close to ramming into a large SUV.

It was supposed to be a calm and quick run to the mall to get the new and recently released "Butthole Crusades" game, then come back before his mother noticed. Somewhere along the way, it turned into an actual, real driving game for him. Not having the freedom of his own car or drivers license, he occasionally relished speeding on the highway in his mother's stolen vehicle, at times pretending he was in a high speed chase or a drag race.

His regretful passenger however wasn't enjoying the "joy ride" very much. Kyle agreed to come along because he wanted the game too, desperately enough to sit in a car with an unlicensed driver. He clenched on to the grab handle on the ceiling of the car and held on for dear life as Cartman skidded around a turn and flew down a side street. The car eventually began to slow down before stopping in an alley.

"What the fuck was that?!" the redhead screamed.

Cartman panted, trying to catch his breath before grinning innocently at Kyle. "Just wanted to exercise my sweet driving skills."

Kyle looked incredulous. "Are you insane?? That wasn't sweet, that was reckless suicidal driving! It's bad enough we borrowed your mom's car, we don't need you totaling it too!"

Cartman simply shrugged. "Calm your tits! I know what I'm doing, I'm a professional driver. I once drove an actual race car around a track at one of those events."

Face palming, Kyle shook his head. "Gee, one time? Wow. I didn't know you were a NASCAR driver!"

"Yeah, well...I'm not just one person." Cartman spoke in a deep, serious tone of voice.

"What?" Kyle stared ahead into the alley, agitated.

Cartman paused and tapped on the steering wheel, appearing to be deeply contemplating something for a moment. "Shall I elaborate?"

"Yes," Kyle quickly responded, growing fed up with the mind games.

The fat boy grinned and slowly pulled out his left hand, revealing a badly face drawn on it. "Part of me is Eric Cartman, but at times, I'm also..Mitch Connor."

Kyle furrowed his eyebrows and shook his head, sighing dramatically. "Not this again! Cartman, I thought you had finally stopped this stupid shit."

"I'm not Cartman." He moved his hand to form a talking mouth. "I'm a fugitive tramp, rejected by society, forever running from the law. That's why I sometimes like to speed on the road. I tend to get carried away, running from my past."

Kyle rolled his eyes. "Yeah, OK..I think I'm gonna get out and catch a bus. This isn't funny."

"Kyle! Wait!" Mitch yelled, as Kyle moved to open the door handle. The hand pulled out a gun and aimed it at the green hat. "Don't move!"

Kyle froze in his tracks, eyes widening in panic. "What the fuck?!"

"Look, sorry, I'm used to using a gun to get people's attention. I just needed to say something," Mitch explained, carefully putting the gun down on the seat. Kyle wearily eyed the surprise weapon, remaining silent.

"I know I seem crazy, but...I'm just a normal person, you know? Except, I'm not a person, but rather, simply a hand...one of America's most wanted hands. By the way, there is something I've been meaning to get off my palm for awhile."

Kyle still had nothing to say, looking pissed. He wanted to bolt, but was too cautious to move, seeing how the gun was still easily within Cartman's reach.

"Mitch" moved closer to Kyle's right hand. "You see, I've always been a lone wolf. But, I feel this strange chemistry around your left hand. I know that's weird, since we've never really spoken to each other."

Mitch reached a finger out to touch Kyle's hand, only to be promptly smacked.

"Quit the bullshit!" Kyle stared at Cartman blankly. "I just wanted to go get our game and get home before we get in trouble. Is that too much to ask??"

"Dude, so do I, but I can't control it," Cartman shrugged, looking confused. "He just takes over my hand sometimes."

Kyle rolled his eyes, as "Mitch" came closer to his hand once again. "Hey there..what do you say, baby? Maybe this sounds crazy, but I think we would make a good pair."

"Yes, you sound absolutely crazy," Kyle sighed.

Now it was Kyle's turn to be smacked, with Mitch forming into an open palm and slapping him in the face. "Hey, shut up kid! I'm trying to have a moment with Linda."

"..Linda?" Kyle angrily rubbed his face.

"Duh. Your hand. Linda." Mitch replied in his raspy voice.

"...Why the hell would my hand be named Linda?" Kyle grit his teeth, still rubbing his face.

"I said shut up!" the hand puppet yelled at Kyle. "Linda, I'm sorry. I just couldn't let you get away without telling you how I felt. You're a beautiful, mysterious, quiet hand..but something about your palm lines say you're seeking more to life. You want more than to just be a hand. You secretly seek..adventure. And I am a very adventurous hand."

Kyle glared at Cartman, before reluctantly turning his own hand into a puppet as well. "Leave me alone, you pig!" he yelled in a mock, high pitched voice.

Mitch gasped, shrinking back to Cartman's side. "Okay, fine, bitch! I don't need you anyway! I'm fucking Mitch Connor! You ain't shit!"

"Yeah, well you look like a foot!" Linda yelled back. "You're the ugliest hand I've ever seen!"

Cartman gasped again, suppressing a chuckle. "Oh my god, that was brutal, Linda!"

"You nasty bitch!" Mitch yelled, sounding dejected as he shrunk further into Cartman's side, before finally disappearing.

Cartman sat there, shocked, mouth agape, as he stared at his hand. "Woah, that was intense. Mitch, are you still there? Still there, Mitch?"

Kyle glared at him like he was an idiot.

"I think Mitch got upset and went away. Damn dude, your hand is almost as bitchy as you are, Kahl. That was harsh."

"Can you drive normally now?" Kyle crossed his arms, sinking into the seat. He refused to look at his insane friend.

Cartman grinned. "You know what?? I just might think so!" he pulled the car in reverse and turned down the same street they came in on, before heading back on to the highway. "Wow, would you look at that! I've got my hands back!"

Kyle continued to ignore him, giving him the silent treatment. Cartman's driving seemed normal until the car began picking up in speed, frantically passing the speeding limits once again. "Oh mah god, Mitch has taken over my hand again! Stop it, Mitch! Oh no, here we go!"

Kyle looked up and scowled at Cartman, grabbing onto the grab handle once more. "This is the last time I ever get in a car with you!"

"Tell that to Mitch, not me!" Cartman yelled as they zoomed down the highway.

Kyle screamed as he saw a tractor trailer getting awfully close to them, a potential collision clearly imminent. He quickly took over the steering wheel, jerking them into a harsh turn away from the giant trailer, and causing the car to roll down a ditch alongside the road. They slid down the hill until the car was stopped in a sloppy snow pile.

Kyle was panicked. He turned his head to see Cartman laying there, unresponsive. His eyes were closed, and Kyle worried that he might have bumped his head or something. He pushed his shoulder. "Cartman?"

No response. "Cartman! Are you OK??"

Slowly, Cartman began to move his arm. And then his hand rose up. "He's fine." Mitch spoke in his raspy voice. "Linda, how about you? Are you..alright?"

Kyle picked up a water bottle on the floor and threw it at Cartman's head, before swinging a punch at his arm. "Fucking idiot! This isn't the time for jokes, you literally almost got us killed!"

"Oww, fuck you!" Cartman rubbed his sore arm. Then his hand, Mitch, rose up again to speak. "Kyle is right. My reckless driving needs to stop. I just...get a rush from breaking rules, whether it's speeding limits or grand theft."

Kyle's face was red from anger. "Cartman, will you stop it?!!"

Cartman shrugged innocently. "Who, me? You're taking this out on the wrong person. Mitch is a lawless renegade. He's a badass, I totally can't control him when he comes out." He tried to start the car up and roll back up the snow covered hill, but predictably it did not get very far.

Kyle looked at him in half lidded disbelief. "Okay. We're probably gonna need to call a tow truck now."

Cartman sighed. "You're right. My mom's gonna be pissed! Thanks a lot, Mitch, you asshole!"

Kyle sighed as he looked through his phone for the numbers of local towing companies. He held his phone up to show Cartman. "Here's one. You can call them yourself, dumbass."

Cartman muttered as he dialed the number in his phone. "Hello? Uh, hi. Our car slid on the ice and now we're uh, stuck in a ditch, in the snow. Uhuh. We just need someone to pull us out. Yeah. Ok. We're on Pinecone Road. Red car, can't miss it. OK, thanks. Bye." He ended the call and sighed, leaning back in his seat. "They should be here in about 20 - 30 minutes."

Kyle growled, already growing impatient. "It's freezing."

"I know, _god_ I hate Mitch for this!" Eric grumbled.

"Fuck you, fatass," Mitch and Kyle uttered the same phrase at the same time. Kyle gaped at the talking the hand puppet in surprise, while Eric tried to suppress laughter.

This was gonna be a long evening.

 


End file.
